…here is a pointless nerd meme.

(Hat-tip.)

Over on Random Acts of Reality, Tom asks “So, your turn now – tell me what is in your pockets when you go to work.”

As this is potentially the Most Exciting Meme Ever, and there’s nothing more suited to getting me to write a blog post than a meme, here’s what I have in my pockets when I go to work.

Front Left Trouser Pocket: My phone

Front Right Trouser Pocket: Cash

Left Outside Jacket Pocket: Keys (sometimes two sets) and usually a writing implement or two

Right Outside Jacket Pocket: My Oyster Card with debit and credit cards ill-advisedly tucked inside, along with some dog-eared business cards and my rail season ticket and photocard

Left Inside Jacket Pocket: My security pass (shh, don’t tell), and usually my passport and under-utilised notebook

Right Inside Jacket Pocket: My iPod Nano

I tend, rather anally, to always have those items in those pockets, so I never wonder where my keys/phone are. Which also goes a fair way to explaining why I usually wear a jacket even when it’s toasty.

What do you have in your pockets?

I’ve been tagged by Andy with a meme to identify how to “fix” Doctor Who.

The discussion was started by (former?) Who novelist Lawrence Miles. This I learn from Andy’s blog – which is named for a quote from Lawrence, incidentally – and not from Lawrence’s blog, which I don’t read. I stress that because the meme sets out 25 headings to respond to and I’ve read those and Andy’s responses, but not Lawrence’s initial explanations. So apologies if I misconstrue his intentions at any point.

Here’s Lawrence’s introductory blurb:

The following 25-point programme may not be a way of guaranteeing that Doctor Who is great – only a competent scriptwriting team could ensure that, and in the Age of Chibnall, even competence is a precious commodity – but it would at least give the series a chance to escape its current rut of showbiz fan-fic and computer-generated slurry. Tick the ones you agree with, and if you tick all 25, then I’m available for a September wedding.

As this makes clear, the meme presupposes that Doctor Who is broken, so Lawrence and I differ even before we start.

Like Andy, I’ll comment on each of Lawrence’s 25 suggestions and mark my agreement out of 4 so as to reach a percentage measure at the end. Here we go.

1. A companion who isn’t from the early twenty-first century.
It might make a change now and again, but would it make Doctor Who better? The main role of the companion is to be a way in for the viewer. The more we can identify with them, the better, so going out of your way to choose someone less like the viewer just for the sake of it seems a bit perverse. There have been very good companions who aren’t contemporary humans, but there have been many good ones who have. (Kylie Minogue’s character in Voyage of the Damned isn’t an early 21st century human, incidentally, and as a pseudo-companion is my least favourite of all of the new series companions.)
0/4

2. A companion who’s played by a proper actress.
Interesting that Lawrence doesn’t appear to question that the companion should be female. There goes thinking outside the box. While I’d question the implied criticism of the actors who’ve played companions so far, it’s also self-evident that actors in the series should be good.
4/4

3. We don’t necessarily need a single companion.
We’re back to 1. already – maybe we don’t need a single companion, but are several companions a recipe for success, or just something different to do for the sake of it? It’s been done a few times in the new series already, and it can work, but I’m not sold that it’s a big deal.
2/4

4. No more affairs for the Doctor.
Fine by me.
4/4

5. A less sexy, less athletic Doctor.
Absolutely. In fact, the uglier the better. I always said Joseph Merrick should have taken over from Tom Baker. (Actually, I agree with Andy – I’d prefer a good-looking Doctor to not realise he’s good looking. It shouldn’t matter whether he’s attractive or not.)
1/4

6. No spurious super-powers.
Fair enough. I wasn’t a fan of the Last of the Time Lords Space Jesus.
3/4

7. The Doctor shouldn’t know everything.
Well, Lawrence has stumbled across one of my number one Doctor Who bugbears: when the Doctor wanders onto a space station, say, takes a look around at a pile of mysterious alien corpses and declares “It’s the 25th century, this is Platform Six, those Terileptils are dead, and they appear to have been murdered by the Ice Warriors, a race from the planet Mars.” How the Doctor finds out what’s going on and who’s behind it should be the making of the story.
5/4

8. The Doctor shouldn’t be perfect.
He isn’t, and I don’t think the series has particularly suggested that he is. But I agree.
3/4

9. The Doctor’s presence should never, ever be the solution.
Well, it should, but I know what Lawrence is getting at. It should be the things the Doctor does, not the fact of who he is. Although if there’s something worse than the Doctor’s presence being the solution, it’s the Doctor’s presence making no real difference – see Planet of the Ood.
4/4

10. No technobabble.
It was OTT in Journey’s End, but you’ll always have some.
1/4

11. Absolutely no “magic wand” technology.
A bit of harmless sonic screwdriving now and again isn’t the end of the world, but I agree that technobabble as a solution (as opposed to local colour) is undesirable.
3/4

12. Please, in the name of God, less stories set on modern-day Earth.
Or fewer, even. The series has moved this way after a very (and understandably) Earth-based first series. I’m fairly happy with the balance now.
2/4

13. No more alien invasions.
I’m not sure there’s much more that can be done in the way of alien invasions, but if there are good stories still to tell, they shouldn’t not be made for the sake of it, if you can extract my meaning from that sentence.
2/4

14. Stop wasting money on “big”.
Big is good. Small is good too. But when you’re a Saturday night primetime series about an alien time traveller who can go anywhere in the universe, being big is perfectly natural.
0/4

15. Less CGI monsters.
Sometimes CGI is the best solution. Sometimes it isn’t. The CGI Slitheen in Aliens of London are actually nastier looking than the foam suit versions.
0/4

16. Stop making straight-to-video horror movies with all the horror taken out.
I don’t really get the point that’s being made here, even with Andy’s summary. Stealing Borrowing from other genres and formats is fine by me.
0/4

17. We need writers who can write, not just directors who can direct.
As this is palpably true (see my comment on the companion actors above), I’ll have to agree, but I reject the implication that we don’t have that at the moment. I’m not going to list the plethora of good writers (and their CVs) who’ve worked on the new series so far, but I will note in passing that it has just won its third Hugo Award in a row (for Blink).
4/4

18. I should obviously be hired as a writer.
I disagree. In the nicest possible way.
0/4

19. Make sure you hire the right “cult” comic-book author.
I don’t read comics, but I agree as far as the “get someone good” bit goes.
2/4

20. We need one – just one – proper historical story.
No, we don’t. It might be nice – it might not be. The Talons of Weng-Chiang is miles better than Black Orchid. The Caves of Androzani beats The Highlanders hands down. Yes, The Romans and The Aztecs are great, but that’s because they’re great, not because they’re historicals. The deciding factor should be whether it’s a good story, not whether it satisfies a fannish whim.
1/4

21. Historical stories that are actually about the era in question.
See above. Pyramids of Mars isn’t about the era in question and it was still very successful. I sympathise with Andy’s point about the amount of spent telling us how great certain historical figures were though.
1/4

22. Monsters that fit the story.
By definition they shouldn’t not fit. Lawrence probably outlines how he decides this in his post.
4/4

23. Enough of the Daleks.
Yeah, there’s nothing worse than bringing back a hugely popular monster, is there? Particularly one that takes the credit for the series’ original success in the sixties. I’m not a massive Dalek fan, but I understand the sense in bringing them back, and they have been well realised in the new series. The specials next year might be a good opportunity to “rest” them.
2/4

24. Say no to story arcs.
No, I’ll say no to saying no to story arcs. Story arcs reward the returning viewer (and give an extra excitement to fans). Story arcs drive a series forwards and give it a shape. What we dismissively refer to as “arcs” in fandom are just “stories” in other dramas: characters developing, plot threads running through a season. As long as they aren’t detracting from the standalone episodes, story arcs are worth having.
0/4

25. Less Confidential, more Totally.
I’d have both, but it makes little difference to the series itself (and as if removing a primetime behind-the-scenes show on BBC Three would actually make the main series more successful).
0/4

I make that 48% agreement with Lawrence’s prescription, and most of that comes from agreeing with the proposals that Doctor Who should be well-written, well-acted and feature monsters that fit the stories they’re in. Groundbreaking stuff.

Even the new series, with a more character-driven emphasis than much classic Who, depends on good stories. You don’t achieve that with a JNT-style shopping list approach (as proven by a new series story whose blushes I’ll spare). “There should be one historical” is not a solution. But then I’m not convinced there’s a massive problem.

A while ago I was tagged by Millennium Elephant to take part in the seven songs meme, the rules of which are:

“List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.”

Spring had already passed by the time Millennium named me amongst his seven, so these are rather more summery than springy. And much as men like making lists, mine are usually very transitory, so I would probably have picked a different seven yesterday. But here are today’s seven, complete with videos from YouTube.

Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt – We Are Scientists

I Love You ‘Cause I Have To – Dogs Die in Hot Cars

I Will Survive – Cake

Ain’t Going to Goa – Alabama 3

I’ve recently been familiarising myself with Alabama 3’s first album, Exile on Coldharbour Lane, which is great fun. The track I’ve picked is a single I’ve owned since 1997ish.

Repeated Offender – The Rifles

Very pleased to find The Rifles, via my brother. This song, from 2006, is one of many good tracks on their No Love Lost album.

Tickle Me Pink – Johnny Flynn

Each week the iTunes store offers a Single of the Week free download. I discovered this when it was Single of the Week a month or two back.

The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song – The Flaming Lips

A highlight of the London Lovebox festival a couple of weekends ago was the Flaming Lips headline set on the Sunday night. That was the first time I heard this and it was amongst several Flaming Lips tracks I bought when I got home. The video, it turns out, is as weird as their stage show.