My favourite of today’s April Fools Day news stories comes from The Scotsman, not least for the headline, the two anagrams, and the final line (although I’m not sure how amused the Isle of Man will be at being placed in England).

Black day as EU fools with place names

PAUL DRURY AND JIM MCBETH

EUROPEAN bureaucrats will push forward legislation today to force the Scottish Executive to change place-names that offend or discriminate on the grounds of race and gender.

In a move the Nationalists described as the “ultimate madness in political correctness”, it has taken only a quorum of four Euro commissioners from Italy, Germany, France and Spain to redraw Scotland’s map.

The German commissioner, Arlo Pilof, the architect of the 2006 Race and Gender Equality Imposition Code (conformity), an amendment to existing rules, said: “We believe many names do not conform, and we started with Scotland because it is the worst of the culprits with offensive names such as Skinflats, near Grangemouth.”

Under European rules going back to 1986, a quorum of four member state commissioners have the right to table what is known as a “L.I.L Proof A”, a prelude to any legislation which proposes to amend or remove a name or description “relating to a city, town or centre of habitation with more than eight people of voting age”.

The Scottish Executive had sought to win exemptions for places beginning with “Black”, but the bureaucrats were adamant they were racist.

“We could hardly have places like Colouredford or the Coloured Isle, the Coloured Cuillins,” said a spokesman.

However, the Executive has come up with an alternative, to revert to the Gaelic rendition of black – dubh – which it believes will be acceptable.

The spokesman added: “They won’t know the difference, hopefully. And Burndubh and Dubhford don’t sound too bad.”

Mr Pilof revealed that England would be next on the agenda, citing the Isle of Man as particularly worthy of change.

A Manx spokesman said yesterday: “I hope this is a long way off. We are two-time losers, what with the island’s name and Douglas as the capital. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?

“It’s as if these people sat there all day and made up this stuff.”

Chuffed this morning as, after several weeks of trying (of which my previous best clue, and the vilest, was “She enjoys lurid finger without you (10)”*), I’ve merited a mention on Sandy Balfour‘s competition page.

Each Friday, in the Guardian G2 supplement, Sandy sets readers a word to be clued. Last week, he asked for crossword clues for the word MAESTRO. I toyed with Mae West and Vanessa Mae (as it were), but settled on an anagram, which made the top ten:

Great artist, possibly Old Master (7)

This week’s challenge is SECOND CHILDHOOD.

(*Click on for the answer) more…

One of the first posts on this blog, nearly a year ago, was about Footballers Wives, specifically comparing its ludicrousness to Sunset Beach.

With the return of the fourth series, the similarities continue. Specifically, Tanya Turner has swapped babies with her nemesis Amber, a plot lifted straight out of SB, in which Caitlin’s son – Troy, the same name as one of the babies in Footballers Wives – turns out to have been borne by her mother (a loony Lesley-Anne Down, who could give even Zoe Lucker a run for her money).

On reflection, I really can’t believe I watch this rubbish…

Last night, second series confirmed.

This morning, Eccleston quits Doctor Who.

The fact that the Beeb are openly talking about David Tennant replacing him suggests that they’ve known for some time that Chris might not come back (although there’s talk of him possibly being in the Christmas special). If he is cast, it will please friends of mine who suggested a couple of years ago that he should have been the Ninth Doctor. And hopefully he’ll be contracted for several years…